rating: 
company: The Asylum
year: 2010
runtime: 90′
country: United States
director: Eric Forsberg
cast: Tiffany, Paul Logan,
Barry Williams, David Labiosa,
Jude Gerard Priest, Jesse Daly
writer: Eric Forsberg
cinematographer: Bryan Olinger
music: Chris Rhidenhour
and Tiffany (song, “Frozen Skies”)
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Writer / director Eric Forsberg gets his just deserves.
It should come as no surprise to learn that I have little respect for The Asylum or their endless line-up of ‘mockbuster’ releases. Their partnership with the recently rechristened Syfy Channel has turned their relentless onslaught of thanklessly derivative trend-leeching SOV films into something of a cultural phenomena, regardless of how backwards their production ethic may be. I’ve endured more than my fair share of their syndicated catalog on lazy Saturday afternoons, most of which have left me feeling as though I were suffering a slow death from boredom and carbon monoxide poisoning. Needless to say, I don’t look forward to new The Asylum releases. Ever.
Apparently even The Asylum still has a few surprises left up its sleeve. It is with no small amount of humiliation that I must confess that I was not only entertained by, but genuinely enjoyed their latest ode to the creature features of old, the unimaginatively titled Mega Piranha (coming after the likes of of Mega Snake, Megafault and Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus), which had its television premiere this past Saturday and is slated for DVD release on the 27th.
Mega Piranha is coolly calculated to tug at the heartstrings of bad movie aficionados far and wide. Not only do we get a bona fide creature feature starring ludicrously massive every day animals brought to life through a blend of generally dreadful CGI and far dreadful-er rubber props, but a twitchy Bruckheimer / Bay over-production aesthetic and a cast headlined with name talent of yesteryear. Everyone should have a chuckle at the inclusion of Barry Williams, better known as Greg Brady of the famous Bunch, but the real draw is undoubtedly Tiffany, the second ’80s teen-pop icon turned Playboy centerfold to star in a The Asylum effort about giant fish in the past year (Debbie Gibson beat her to that dubious honor with 2009′s unforgivable Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus). If that’s not reason enough to give Mega Piranha a chance, I don’t know what is.
The story, such as there is one, brings together the small staff of a secret United Nations research lab (run by Doctor Tiffany), Special Ops man Jason Fitch (Paul Logan, of Curse of the Komodo, Komodo vs. Cobra and Megafault fame), and a nutso Venuzuelan general by the name of Diaz (David Labiosa) in an effort to stop an “especially bloodthirsty, grotesquely large strain” of genetically-engineered piranha before they nibble their way to the Florida coast. Doctor Tiffany and her two dopey scientist cohorts do silly science stuff (rushing headlong into danger to take water samples of questionable importance) while Fitch does bad-ass Special Ops moves (knife fight!) against hordes of CGI fish. Diaz is on board as the requisite baddy, destined for a gruesome and potentially ironic fate from the start, and Barry Williams’s Secretary Grady stays out of the way, watching everything unfold from what is frequently identified as a ‘super bunker’.
The human cast is as patently unimportant as one should expect for something named Mega Piranha. Writer / director Eric Forsberg (writer, Snakes on a Train) keeps the drama more interesting than it need have been while frequently riffing on blockbuster actioners like Bad Boys. Aiding things considerably is swift pacing, something far too many of these SOV crap-fests are lacking. The cast is forever running from one ludicrous monster encounter to another, which is precisely how these things should be. The human element is never going to make an un-movie like Mega Piranha and there are more than enough dramatic flubs to go around here, but its entertaining enough all in all to keep it from hampering the picture while the fish are off screen. That’s more than I can say for any of the other SyFy slot filler I’ve seen lately.
The real stars of the show are the piranha, an absurdly formidable bunch that doubles in size every 36 hours. What begins as homage to Joe Dante’s inimitable horror / comedy Piranha (a 3D remake of which is due out later this year), with skinny dippers and river pedestrians torn bloodily asunder, quickly bee-lines into Bert I. Gordon territory. Technology may have come a long way since Bert’s day, but the sight of the CGI piranha leaping into pre-filmed cityscapes is no more effective than his traveling matte grasshoppers. With Mega Piranha the effects are definitely of the quantity over quality variety, which suits me just fine.
Where Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus falters Mega Piranha delivers, with enough scenes of fishy destruction to keep even a curmudgeonly reviewer like me entertained. Repetition of shots is thankfully minimal, and variety is the order of the day. Small fish tackle swimmers and the occasional wayward soldier while their larger brethren down helicopters, sink Destroyers, and take suicidal nosedives into ocean front property. The visual effects crew was obviously having fun here and some of their work is surprisingly decent, though most is of the traditionally abysmal quality that The Asylum fans are hankering for. Where else are you ever going to see a Very pistol decapitation followed directly by a house-sized fish eating a helicopter?
So there you have it – I enjoyed a The Asylum flick. Congrats to the company for that, as well as for the certifiably awesome artwork they comissioned for the picture. I can’t see myself paying retail for the DVD (why pay when you can see it on TV every other month or more?), but I’d love a print of that poster to display. Those familiar with The Asylum or Syfy originals in general will know exactly what to expect from Mega Piranha, but I suspect this one might be just decent enough to have wider appeal. Pain me as typing the next four words does, I say see it.
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