Wtf-film: cult cinema and video reviews

The owner of the world’s largest known diamond (the Eye of the Condor of the title, a whopping 152 karat rock) has fallen on hard financial times and, as such, organizes a fancy high-price showing in Bangkok for the rich elite of the world. The showing is held on a boat for security purposes, which is all well and good until Kenny Hemmings (or ‘Hemanning’, depending on who’s speaking – played by Chatree), a man far too cool not to be trouble, boards. It’ll be no surprise when Kenny steals the diamond during in the middle of its unveiling ceremony, but how is pretty fantastic. He distracts the guests (and, more importantly, the security guards) with a topless woman (yelling “Rape!” no less!), grabs the diamond, jumps overboard, swims to meet up with his dwarf-piloted getaway boat, and flies off into the sunset with a retractable hang glider. Cue opening credits!

But Kenny doesn’t steal 152 karat diamonds for his own health – he and his tiny sidekick are working a $200,000 contract for a wealthy European Boss (Douglas Dull, I’m assuming, but who really knows? You never hear his name very clearly, but it sounds like ‘Unlucky’). When the Boss reneges on the deal and takes to pointing guns at Kenny and his friend, all martial arts hell breaks loose. Windows break, poison darts fly, and everyone takes their turn hunting for the diamond (which is falling everywhere from ice buckets to between busty Thai bosoms). Kenny and his dwarf eventually escape with the diamond in hand, leaving the Boss with thoughts of revenge and a half dozen dead henchmen to mull over.

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