T-N-H Productions [1989] 73′
country: United States
director: George Keller
cast: Bill Brady, Lisa Everett Hillman,
Michael Sonye, Tequila Mockingbird
I have to admit, this isn’t something that immediately struck me as being my kind of movie. Shot on video at the end of the 80′s for what couldn’t have been more than a scant few thousand dollars in the same vein as the Troma Studios efforts of the day and with the same tongue-in-cheek comedic intention that has doomed so many independent efforts to mediocrity [the recent DEAD AND BREAKFAST comes to mind], DISGUSTING SPACEWORMS EAT EVERYONE!! sounded like just the sort of obscure garbage I tend to despise on sight.
How many ways can I say I was wrong?
DISGUSTING SPACEWORMS EAT EVERYONE!! begins in space – on a ship full of worms to be precise. So the wriggling mealworms dabbled about every corner of the ship aren’t necessarily disgusting, but they more than make up for that in their enthusiasm. While it was impossible to tell what was being said by the worms [yes, they talk] due to the overbearing sound effects and background music and the overall crappiness of my review copy, I gathered that they intended to destroy mankind, who have stumbled upon the secret to the destruction of their race. The scene is hysterical, with the master worm speaking passionately from a cardboard cup pulpit to his pile of devoted and cheering followers.
Their plan devised, the spaceworms warp their ship to Earth, choosing Los Angeles gangster Ziegler [Michael Sonye, here under his pseudonym Dukey Flyswatter] as their first conquest. After yelling at someone on the phone about killing someone else the gangster heads out to his patio for a cocaine snack. But wait – what’s this? The worms have teleported themselves into Ziegler’s bag of cocaine! The gangster lines up his rows and snorts, only to find himself covered in wiggly worms and spewing blood from just about everywhere. A horrible death to be sure . . .
Somewhere else in L.A., hitman Ray [Bill Brady] is reading the funny pages when he is interupted by a phone call. He’s obviously in no mood for a job, and throws the phone dramatically into a nearby swimming pool before heading out on an extended drive. Ray literally runs into the young and assless-jeans-donning Lisa [Lisa Everett Hillman], who proves very protective of a crumpled brown paper bag in her possession [she says it holds her recently deceased cat]. The two drive around for a while but don’t get along terribly well. Soon Lisa evacuates Ray’s car and wanders off, leaving him with nothing to do but meet up with his contact and get his assignment.
Some secret envelope and money exchanging later, Ray has his job – unfortunately the person he’s supposed to hit is no other than Lisa. Fortunately for her Ray is the sensetive type, or at the very least tired of working for his slimeball gangster boss. He opts to kill off all of Ziegler’s minions and get in on whatever action has put Lisa in the spotlight instead. Meanwhile, that pesky ship full of spaceworms is still floating about L.A., teleporting instant rubbery death into the homes of countless unsuspecting victims. A family of television obsessed drunkards here, a bathtub beauty there . . . All fall before the might of the worms, who are working hard to fulfill the titular promise of eating everyone.
Ray becomes understandably distressed by the situation unfolding around him, making him all the happier when he finds Lisa once again. But what’s this? The zombified worm-powered Ziegler has found the two as well, and is waiting to pounce from the backseat of Ray’s car. Through him our heroes learn that the worms are after mankind because of its tampering with “zarmon crystals” – the one thing that can possibly destroy them. What are zarmon crystals, you ask? Cocaine of course [never mind that it's the same stuff the worms teleported into earlier without issue]! Luckily for Ray, Lisa has a load of the stuff stashed in her paper bag and she isn’t afraid to use it. Having heard the alien plot, she decides that it’s time for Ziegler to go for good and chucks a handful of cocaine in his direction. Blood spurts and steam bubbles and soon he is little more than a smoldering mushy puddle in the backseat.
The spaceworms’ motives and means of destruction revealed, Ray and Lisa go on a quest to destroy the invaders. Can they possibly throw enough cocaine at the right worms at the right time to put an end to their savage conquest? I’ll never tell!
Against all odds I came to love DISGUSTING SPACEWORMS EAT EVERYONE!! and its peculiar brand of no-budget antics. What little is on display in terms of technical fortitude [VHS looks to have been the master format] is more than made up for by the shear ridiculousness and liveliness of the proceedings. The screenplay credited to Keller / Mulliron / Sellers is actually quite good and takes 40′s noir crime films, of all things, as its jumping off point – Ray even narrates his own misadventure at times. It’s abundantly clear than none of it is intended to be serious in any way, which is a definite upside when skyscraper-sized cans of Raid figure prominently in a film’s conclusion.
Scimpy as the production may be, SPACEWORMS packs a few neat little punches. The soundtrack is loaded with songs from local Los Angeles talent of the time that, while it may be irritating to those not into the late 80′s punk-pop scene, sounds absolutely awesome to these ears. Editing is another strong point. Wisely avoided are the lengthy stretches of static dialogue shots that dominate most indies. Keller constantly cuts from camera to camera to camera and keeps the pace going fast and hard. The body of SPACEWORMS passes by in nary an hour, with the final ten minutes or so dedicated to some colorful end credits that come complete with a few bits of behind-the-sceens goofiness. It looks like everyone involved had a blast, and it shows in the final product.
Now, complaints against SPACEWORMS could certainly be made. The special effects, particularly the vintage video animation and terrible blue screen that dominates the latter third of the picture, are almost universally bad and the performances by the no-name cast [Sonye/Flyswatter is the only reckognizable name, and his resume features such classics cinema as SURF NAZIS MUST DIE and TERRORS FROM THE CLIT] vary considerably in quality. There are also far too many scenes devoted to driving. But these are all minor quibbles at best in the context of the feature in question, with at least two of the three helping to elevate its hefty potential to entertain.
If there are video releases of this oddity, legitimate or otherwise, I’ve not seen them – I snatched my review copy from my favorite cult film torrent tracker [linked to the right]. If anyone involved with this flick knows of an official way to purchase this gem be sure to let me know so I can promote the hell out of it.
This one obviously isn’t for everyone and those without the patience for shot-on-video fare should proceed with caution. Still, I loved it and have no problem giving it a recommendation. I suggest seeing it with friends and making a party of it – with a title like DISGUSTING SPACEWORMS EAT EVERYONE!!, how could it go wrong?
As I get older my memory grows worse, but if I’m not mistaken Beetle Queen Conquers Tokyo is the first documentary feature ever to be reviewed here at Wtf-Film. For you outsiders, a documentary is just like a regular film, only it’s about real stuff. I know, I know. What will the kids think of next?
