Posts Tagged ‘Crap’


Crocodile

December 2nd, 2009 | article by | 3 Comments »
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postera.k.a. Chorake
company: Chaiyo Productions
year: 1981
country: Thailand / USA
director: Sompote Sands
cast: Nat Puvanai, Tany Tim,
Angela Wells, Kirk Warren
producers: Robert Chan
and Dick Randall
Order this film from Amazon.com

Plot: A doctor and his friend hunt down and kill a giant sea-dwelling crocodile after it devours the rest of their immediate family and goes on a rampage through the waterways of Thailand.

This has to be the best known (at least as far as the Western world is concerned) of all the films made by Sompote Sands’ defunct Chaiyo Productions, thanks largely to the participation of exploitation producer extraordinaire Dick Randall (The Pod People, Slaughter High, and For Y’ur Height Only to name a few).  Crocodile had the good fortune to be dubbed into English and given an international release throughout Europe and in the United States, where it earned the ire of the American Humane Association for its un-simulated animal violence.  It was even officially released to DVD here, albeit in poor quality, in 2002, having been previously made available in video rental shops on the EMI label.

A rip-off of Spielberg’s Jaws but with Sands own peculiar interpretation of Japan’s giant monster films to guide it, Crocodile is a strange bit of ’80s exploitation nonsense.  The majority of the crocodile effects appear to have originated with the Thai / South Korean co-production Agowa Gongpo from 1978, another film about a mammoth crocodile pestering Southeast Asia whose effects were handled by Chaiyo Productions.  The reasoning behind Crocodile‘s own giant monster is, naturally, atomic testing in the Pacific.  Just how big the beast may be is difficult to gage, as the full-scale props rarely match up with themselves, much less the footage of a live crocodile wandering aimlessly about miniature sets.

I’ve not seen Agowa Gongpo and can’t speak for how much rampaging giant crocodile footage was produced for it, though it obviously wasn’t enough for Sands to wrap a second film around.  Viewers will note that Crocodile‘s crocodile attacks the same riverside village twice, setting the same buildings afire and sending the same Western tourists scurrying to their deaths in the water.  Sands also lifts judisciously from his earlier non-monster disaster effort Pandin Wippayoke, crafting a montage out of the typhoon and earthquake based destruction effects found there to give Crocodile‘s opening more punch.

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To Chaiyo and Sands’ credit, most of the miniature effects work on display is quite good – at least comparable to that seen in the Shaw Brothers-produced The Mighty Peking Man a few years earlier.  The earthquake and typhoon effects from Pandin Wippayoke fare especially well, as does the crocodile’s attack on the reverside village.  There’s a nice mix of full-scale building collapses and miniature work there, as well as some neat shots of a crocodile-created maelstrom of blood, debris, and human bodies.  Footage featuring a real crocodile crisscrossing miniature village scapes doesn’t fare so well, with the shaky and out-of-focus photography indicating that the effects crew had no idea what direction the critter was going to head off in next.

There are a few genuinely fun moments to be had along the way.  One involves a group of scuba divers laying a giant underwater bear trap for the giant crocodile, a plan that backfires when said crocodile sends the trap sailing through the tree tops like an enormous saw blade.  The confusing non-excitement of the ending ocean battle is punctuated with ludicrous shots of the monster doing impossible Free Willy-esque jumps out of the ocean and over a boat.  The fun is tempered somewhat by the fact that none of these moments are likely to be original to Crocodile, but in the land of Sompote Sands one has to take his amusement where he can.

The drama that surrounds the piles of culled effects footage is of Sands’ typically abysmal standards.  Crocodile is nothing if not an exercise in economy, and much of the non-effects runtime is taken up by lengthy shots of ambulances carrying victims of the crocodile attacks from one location to another.  The primary dramatic impetus is provided by a sparsely written tale of revenge, in which two doctors resign their positions in a city hospital to hunt the crocodile after it eats their families while they’re vacationing.  Dialogue is so sporadic and unfocused that viewers will often have to wait until the scene after the one they’re watching to find out just what our characters were up to.

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Side stories are few and, thankfully, brief.  The owner of the boat the doctors charter appears, initially, to be of some import – introducing himself by showing the tattoo of an eagle he has on his chest and repeating some crap family legend about a monster being killed by a bird.  He gets drunk, falls off the boat, and is devoured before any good can come of him.  A performer in a crocodile show and his manager are present for two scenes and for no reason other than to pad the running time, as neither do anything at all.  Especially odd in the dramatic department is the last-minute arrival of a news photographer, who pulls up to the doctors’ boat while they’re out to sea.  The annoying newsman turns out to be an unlikely hero, strapping lit dynamite to himself and jumping into the gaping maw of the crocodile at the film’s end.  Only one of the doctors appears to survive the ordeal, though Sands never lets us know for sure.  As far as he was concerned the film was over as soon as the crocodile went kaboom, story be damned.

Crocodile is seriously marred by a couple of Sands’ usual shock scenes.  A perfectly good sequence in which the crocodile molests a herd of water buffalo is punctuated with a shot of one of them urinating all over itself while clenched in the monster’s jaws (just in case you didn’t catch that it was dying).  The American Human Association seems to have been particularly peaved by a brief crocodile show sequence, in which a showman happily lifts one of the reptiles up for the audience to see before plunging a knife deep into its neck and eviscerating it as it squirms, still very much alive.  Sands may not gloat over the dying animal for so long as Lenzi or Deodato would in their cannibal efforts, but it’s a gruesome sight all the same.

I’ve not seen the VCI DVD of Crocodile from 2002, but online appraisals show it to be a pretty pathetic affair (fitting, really, for the film at hand).  The transfer is widescreen but non-anamorphic and apparently sourced from tape, and extras are minimal.  The out of print disc currently demands high prices (from $27 to over $100) at Amazon.com, so I’ve linked in to the less expensive VHS release above.  If you’re going to see this one you may as well see it cheap.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Crocodile turned out to be just another dull, stupid, poorly-conceived Sompote Sands film punctuated with amusing effects tidbits of highly variable quality.  I don’t know why I keep watching them, other than out of some kind of morbid car-wreck fascination – rest assured that I have more fine Chaiyo productions lined up for future coverage.  See Crocodile for the effects work if you must, but my best advice is to simply avoid it and give your well-worn tape of Alligator another spin instead.  Not recommended.

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Zombi 3

November 23rd, 2009 | article by | 5 Comments »
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postera.k.a. Zombie Flesh Eaters 2
company: Flora Film
year: 1988
runtime: 95′
country: Italy / Philippines
directors: Lucio Fulci, with
Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso
cast: Deran Saradian, Beatrice Ring,
Ottaviano Dell’Acqua, Massimo Vanni,
Ulli Reinthaler, Marina Loi
writers: Claudio Fragasso
and Rossella Drudi
order this film from Amazon.com
single discboxed set

Plot: A rag-tag bunch of soldiers and college kids try to survive a zombie apocalypse in the Philippines and the hazmat-suited death squads sent out by the Army to contend with it.

There was at least some potential for decency, if not greatness, to be had with ZOMBI 3.  Producer Franco Gaudenzi, looking to tap into the post-RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD popularity of the genre by creating a name sequel in the unofficial ZOMBI franchise, at least had the courtesy to bring in horror maestro Lucio Fulci to oversee things.  It’s unfortunate that the project went downhill as quickly as they apparently did, leaving whatever potential the film had woefully untapped. “I don’t repudiate any of my movies except ZOMBI 3,” Fulci said in a 1995 interview.  “It has been done by a group of idiots.”

What idiots, you ask?  Fulci mentions three by name – directors Claudio Fragasso and Bruno Mattei, who took over the completion of the project after Fulci abandoned it (due to health concerns some say), and production manager Mimmo Scavia, whom the director says was more interested in chasing Filipino girls than in his job on the film.  It is reported that only fifty or so minutes of the footage Fulci directed remains in the film.  The rest is the work of Fragasso and Mattei, the pair previously responsible for the mind-numbing HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD.

While Fulci seems content with his usual gore gags, including a marvellous flying zombie head that pops out of a refrigerator and mauls a young man to death, and a few self-referential moments, Fragasso and Mattei seem confused as to what earlier films they should mine for ideas.  RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD was an obvious inspiration – talking zombies appear from time to time (many in scenes derived directly from the Dan O’Bannon film) and the contagion is spread in the same manner (through the cremation of an infected body).  Romero’s DAY OF THE DEAD seems to have been as well, inspiring a long running scientists-versus-Army-men subplot.  Even the hard-rocking Lamberto Bava flick DEMONS is pillaged, leading to a number of ZOMBI 3′s titular monsters sporting claws!

The end result is a tremendously weird undead opus with absolutely no internal logic and an uncanny ability to entertain for all the wrong reasons.  The script by Fragasso and co-writer Rosella Drudi, apparently still being revised when Fulci flew the coup, is an awful mess that undoubtedly sounds even worse dubbed as ZOMBI 3 was dubbed.  The lengthy dialogues between the head scientist of the “Death 1″ project and the General in charge of cleaning up the zombie mess are particularly poor in conception, a problem made ludicrously worse through the performances of Robert Morius (forever accenting with his hands) and Mike Monty in those respective roles.

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The focus throughout tends to be more on action than horror, in spite of a bevy of Franco Di Girolamo [NIGHTMARE CITY, THE NEW YORK RIPPER] gore effects, and ZOMBI 3 sports both an exploding gas station and plenty of macho-men with machine guns.  Even the zombie scenes are more kinetic than the usual, with the contaminated / undead bursting out of corners with machetes or hopping off of rooftops and the like.  Occasionally the action-oriented approach works well, as when a soldier is attacked by zombies (including his newly legless female companion!) by a bubbling pool.

The rest tends towards pure hokum.  Zombies leap off pillars and lie in wait behind cabinet doors, in the rafters, or even ‘neath abandoned pregnant women (!).  There are a couple of attempts at seriousness, as in a few stylized slow-motion shots of the ongoing death squad massacre (coupled with a “trust the government” speech from blind DJ Blue Heart), but they are few and far between.  Fulci takes to filling the screen with fog and shooting with considerable diffusion, perhaps to save his audience from the idiocy he knew was playing out before the camera.  It’s a pity he never thought to direct it with the same comic sensibility he brought to so many of his pre-horror films (THE EROTICIST, et al.).

ZOMBI 3 is undeniably awful, but its terribleness may just be its saving grace.  It certainly adds to the overall recommendability.  If you’re interested in seeing doofuses in hazmat suits fist-fighting two army men when they all have perfectly good machine guns available (at least one of which is wielded as a club!) or watching pesky clawed zombies push unsuspecting girls out of windows (or even leaping out of them themselves!) then ZOMBI 3 is clearly a film for you.  It has all of that and more, and that aforementioned flying zombie head to boot.

This one suffered handily at the hands of censors but was restored to its full 95 minute running time for the 2002 Media Blasters / Shriek Show DVD release.  The composite job looks pretty dreadful all around, with numerous switches between film-sourced and tape-sourced elements, but it’s the best I’ve seen the film look to date.  It’s recommended to fans and the curious alike and can be had quite cheaply as part of The Zombie Pack, a three disc combo package that also includes two proto-sequels (Claudio Fragasso’s entertaining AFTER DEATH and Joe D’Amato’s KILLING BIRDS, the latter of which was produced a year before this film), or much more expensively as an individual release.

Inarguably idiotic and a complete failure in the fields of both horror and action, ZOMBI 3 nevertheless has the potential to be one of the most entertaining of Italy’s many many flesh eating fiascoes.  It’s all about expectations.  Personally, I loved it.  Recommended.

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Hanna D. – The Girl From Vondel Park

October 24th, 2009 | article by | No Comments »
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a.k.a. Hanna D. -  La ragazza del Vondel Park
company: Beatrice Films
year: 1984
runtime: 87′
countries: Italy / France
director: Rino Di Silvestro
cast: Ann-Gisel Glass, Donatella Damiani,
Tony Serrano, Sebastiano Somma
dvd company: Severin Films
retail price: $29.95
release date: October 27, 2009
disc details: Region 1 / NTSC / Dual Layer

subtitles: None for feature
Order this disc from Amazon.com
reviewed from a screener provided
by Severin Films LLC

Hanna (Glass) is a sells her body to keep her alcoholic and nymphomaniacal mother afloat.  One day Hanna meets a pimp on the lookout for a fresh young whore to take him to the top of the food chain – guaranteed a healthy percentage of profits, more than enough to keep her newfound heroine addiction flowing, she signs on with him.  But soon Hanna meets Axel, and a love triangle laced with arrest and vomit-filled withdrawl begins.

001I’m relatively certain that a serious film pertaining to the self-destruction of a young woman through prostitution and drug addiction shouldn’t illicit laughter from its audience, but Rino di Silvestro’s [WEREWOLF WOMAN, WOMEN IN CELL BLOCK 7] incompetent ode to the renowned CHRISTIANE F. – WIR KINDER VON BAHNHOF ZOO manages to do just that.  HANNA D., a lower tier exploitation co-production between Italy’s Beatrice Films and France’s Le Films Jacques Leitienne, aims for prescence and shock value but only squeaks by with a few moments of sleaze and a mountain of unintentional hilarity.

To be fair, there is some good to be found in HANNA D., namely director Silvestro and cinematographer Franco Delli Colli’s [DJANGO, KILL! IF YOU LIVE SHOOT!] collective eye for composition.  There are a number of interesting photographic setups to be had throughout, and they keep the film at least visually interesting even with the frequent irritation of Bruno Mattei’s [HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD, VIOLENCE IN A WOMEN'S PRISON] blunt editing.

002Cinematography aside, this is pretty miserable fare.  The script by director Silvestro and co-writer Herve Piccini [MONSTER SHARK] is as drab as they come, and more or less flings its characters at a procession of ill-connected scenes as opposed to creating an even semi-coherent story for them to exist within.  Out of place amidst the mess of drug use and prostitution is a downright cheerful ending that has a addiction-free Hanna prancing through Amsterdam with her beau Axel after the dramatic suicide-by-drowning of her pimp (!).

There’s little here that will shock most exploitation fans, save a brief close-up of a jailed prostitute removing a canister of heroine from her ass.  There’s certainly plenty of on-screen nudity to be had, but little sex and even less of any sordid nature – the less socially-acceptable requests of Hanna’s customers are implied rather than shown.  The frequent heroine injections are graphic in so much as many of the extras appear to really insert the needles, but their devotion to realism adds little but cringe factor to the proceedings.  Star Ann-Gisel Glass stares bug-eyed throughout, undoubtedly wondering if her acting career can possibly recover (it does).

003This is another bottom-barrel production [along with PAPAYA LOVE GODDESS OF THE CANNIBALS and DEVIL HUNTER] picked up for domestic home video distribution by Severin Films, who have recently impressed this reviewer with their new line of Blu-rays.  Their dual-layered (6.9 GB) presentation of HANNA D. is, like the film, rather disappointing.

The feature receives a progressive and 16.9 enhanced transfer in the proper 1.85:1 aspect ratio and a healthy encode, but something just doesn’t feel right.  The unrestored image looks to have been digitally manipulated, with both edge enhancement and DNR in evidence.  Colors and contrast are dull, and transfer looks thin overall.  Damage is present throughout at varying levels, from minor speckling to more noticeable scratches and beyond.  Audio is reasonably reproduced, presented in Dolby Digital encoded monophonic English.  There are no subtitles.

004The supplemental package is heftier than one might imagine, and dominated by a 42 minute (!) interview with recently departed director Rino Di Silvestro titled The Confessions of Rino D.  Silvestro shows an understanably biased perception at the importance of his film, introducing it as a story he felt he “had to tell”.  There’s a lot of good information here for those interested, though Silvestri tends to ramble a bit.  The only other extra is an original theatrical trailer in rough shape.

HANNA D. is a pretty disappointing effort all around, though I’m sure it (like everything else) has its particular audience.  The Severin Films DVD is a letdown as far as the image is concerned, but is still the best option for fans who simply must own it on home video and the lengthy Silvestro interview is a definite plus.  A high retail price tag should be enough to dissuade more casual buyers.  I’m giving this one a rent-only – not recommended.



From Hell It Came

September 18th, 2009 | article by | 2 Comments »
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company: Allied Artists Pictures
year: 1957
runtime: 71′ / 73′ (T.V. version)
country: United States
director: Dan Milner

cast: Tod Andrews, Tina Carver,
Linda Watkins, John McNamar,
Gregg Palmer, Robert Swan,
Baynes Barron, Suzanne Ridgeway
writers: Richard Bernstein
and Jack Milner
cinematographer: Brydon Baker
music: Darrell Calker
Order this film, now officially
available on DVD from the
Warner Archive Collection

It’s interesting to look up the New York Times television listings from the late 60’s and early 70’s and see just what the snappy one-liner critics had to say about FROM HELL IT CAME. “Not quite” was the answer in 1965, but by 1973 that had evolved into the wittier “Back send it”. The Courier Tribune, my hometown paper, had nothing to say of it by the time I was scanning the entertainment section for hitherto unseen film delights – for me, the name was more than enough. That it was sandwiched between VALLEY OF THE DRAGONS and CREATURE WITH THE ATOM BRAIN did much to help its chances.

POSTERAnd so, following the end of THE GIANT CLAW [my favorite film even then], I set an 8 hour tape to rolling in the ever-reliable EP mode. The next day I spent spooling over the fruits of my labors – a host of films I’d never seen up to that point. IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE was on board, followed by THE INVISIBLE INVADERS and CREATURE WITH THE ATOM BRAIN. I was scared so witless by what had come before that FROM HELL IT CAME couldn’t help but provoke considerable feelings of unease within my little mind.

For weeks my head was filled with terrifying images of mean-faced creatures rising from smoldering pits, capturing helpless victims only to dump them into vast pools of quicksand. I was frightened, sure, but I loved every minute of it. Somewhere along the way my original tape was recorded over and I lost track of the film. It was the explosion of eBay’s bootleg video market [since imploded] that reunited me with FROM HELL IT CAME after having gone a decade without seeing it. I was anxious to relive every terrifying smoldering and quick-sandy moment. Boy do expectations suck.

001I didn’t know the Milner brothers, Dan and Jack, from Stanley Kubrick when I was a boy, but their reputation precedes them now that I’m older. Dan had been working in B-pictures since the early 30’s as an editor, dabbling in mysteries, adventures, westerns, and everything in between. Jack got a slower start, snagging his first work editing a western in 1945. By 1955 the Milner’s had caught up with the expanding market for monster movies, unleashing on unsuspecting audiences THE PHANTOM FROM 10,000 LEAGUES. Their magnum opus, so awful that it effectively ended their careers, came just two years later, with the August release of FROM HELL IT CAME. Legend has it that the release inspired the infamous review “And to hell it can go!” Is that true? Who knows, but I like to think so.

The script by Richard Bernstein [writer - TERRIFIED, WHY MUST I DIE?] is full of backwards ideas and idiotic concepts, and begins with a band of white Pacific islanders killing their local prince Kimo for scheming with the dastardly American scientists. Kimo is stabbed through the heart and buried upright in a coffin made of logs, but not before he eloquently screams “I will come back from the grave to revenge for myself!” Meanwhile, the American scientists dawdle about with the more trusting natives, curing them of various maladies caused by the atomic bomb they tested near the island sometime earlier and drinking whatever real troubles they have into a hazy oblivion.

Things start to go south when a female scientist [gasp!], former lover of one of the scientists, arrives, carrying with her a new experimental formula that regenerates dead tissue. The female scientist [for shame!] finds a strange tree stump [complete with perturbed face] growing out of Kimo’s grave, and convinces her colleagues to dig it up and bring it back to the lab. They discover that the stump has a heartbeat, and that it’s dying from their efforts to dig it up [d'oh!], so the female scientist [the horror!] injects it with her regeneration serum.

002It doesn’t take long for the stump to come back to life, escape the lab, and begin terrorizing the natives for their transgressions against Kimo. After hugging the island chief to death and dropping his lover in quicksand, the American scientists and a few of their native buddies go on the hunt. The stump somehow kidnaps the female scientist [expression of uncomfortable surprise!] but is stopped dead before it can do her any harm. Though unharmed by the ordeal, it’s still  traumatic enough that the female scientist [...!] decides to drop all of her career ambitions to start a family with her ex boyfriend. The end.

There’s a serious misogynistic vibe running through FROM HELL IT CAME. At worst, women are portrayed as backstabbing and malicious [it's Kimo's wife who schemes to have him killed] – at best, as useless and unworthy of the college degrees they’ve earned. It’s important to note that the troubles in FROM HELL IT CAME all seem to revolve around female lead Tina Carver. It is she who first discovers the monster, convinces her co-workers to uproot it, saves it with a super serum, and unwittingly lets it loose upon the unsuspecting natives. Kimo’s dying words be damned, it’s Carver who’s responsible for all the death and destruction here. The conclusion is nothing short of a wish fulfilled for her culturally backwards ex boyfriend [Tod Andrews], who makes sure she knows that a career is nothing for a woman like her to have. That the movie obviously sides with his point of view is downright insulting.

Depictions of the Pacific islanders are also pretty infuriating, with the natives here proving to be little more than a bunch of uncultured morons. Politically, HELL walks the government line in support of the nuclear testing in the Pacific and relocation of the native peoples of the islands there. The point is made that the fallout isn’t what’s making the islanders sick, but diseases they’re just too stupid to avoid.  We kindly Americans are just helping them when they’re too oblivious to help themselves. Even the writers of KING KONG knew the effects of unchecked Western intrusion into the lives of indigenous peoples, and similar death, mayhem, and destruction results here. But writer Bernstein ensures that the blame is placed squarely at the feet of the natives and their primitive superstitions as opposed to with the Americans, where it really belongs.

003As aggravating as HELL’s gigantic substantive missteps are, it’s the laziness of the production and lack of inspiration on all fronts that ultimately dooms it to failure. The story moves at a languid pace, with fifty minutes of nothing separating the opening sacrifice of Kimo and the concluding attack of the stump monster. We get drinking, arguing, scheming, and a few bits of romance, but action of any kind is in much too short a supply. Paul Blaisdell’s wandering stump, which goes by the name of Tobunga in the film, is a marvellous pulp creation, with bulging angry eyes and huge old-man scowl. It is also almost entirely inflexible, rendering its few horrific moments hysterically ineffectual [the image of it rising from the depths of a fire pit is a welcome exception, and as iconic as anything in cult cinema history].

HELL was relegated to a double bill with the dreary Allison Hayes vehicle THE DISEMBODIED on initial release, finally reaching an appreciative audience when it was sold to television – it was a staple of afternoon programming for decades thereafter. A long-time lack of an official home video release coupled with the fond memories of people who grew up watching it have conspired to make HELL a staple of the bootleg DVD market, where it’s undoubtedly garnered more profits than it ever did in theaters.

Warner Brothers has obviously not been completely blindsided by the popularity of the film, now part of their extensive library.  An early announcement about the Warner Archive Collection DVD-on-demand service mentioned that the company was looking into titles popular in the gray market.  It should come as no surprise that FROM HELL IT CAME, a title perhaps too marginal to warrant a full-scale release, should find it’s first ever officially licensed home video iteration as part of that collection.

004How does Warner’s official DVD-R release of FROM HELL IT CAME stack up to the bootlegged editions that have been circulating of everything from ancient 16mm TV prints to the recent HD remaster culled from the defunct MonstersHD channel?  In short – if you own a bootleg, throw it out.  The Warner Archive Collection presents the film in a fine progressive and 16:9 enhanced black and white transfer that looks far better than I’d have imagined a turnip like FROM HELL IT CAME ever could.  Detail is at the high end for the format, contrast is consistent and natural, and damage is minimal.  Audio is presented in a crisp and clear monophonic track – there are no subtitles.  Someone has obviously taken very good care of the source materials on this one, though that may beg the question of “why?”

Supplements are, as is to be expected from all Warner Archive Collection releases, extremely limited.  You get a generic menu and a promo for the Collection itself – that’s it.  There’s a high price point for all of these releases [$19.95 from Warner itself, not including shipping and taxes, and more from other retailers] and whether or not it’s worth it will depend entirely on how much you value the title.  That said, Warner’s presentation of the feature is peak and fans of the film should definitely take the plunge.

Aside from the fifteen minutes or so that Blaisdell’s tree monster is puttering around, there’s very little to recommend about FROM HELL IT CAME and even less to enjoy. Take it from someone who knows – this one is definitely better left as a fond memory of days long since passed, whether you grew up on UHF or VHS.



Motor Home From Hell

July 16th, 2009 | article by | No Comments »
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Riffle Pictures [2009] 104′
country: United States
director: Ross Payton
cast: Holly McWilliams, David Krudwig,
Ron Ayers, Russ Metcalf, Richard Pille
Order this film from Amazon.com or Rifflepictures.com

After a pair of bumbling hillbillies eat a sacred race of blind albino crayfish a portal to hell is opened – out steps the Devil [a guy in a mask that makes him look like Dennis Hopper, only aged a few hundred years], who confiscates the hillbillies’ motor home and turns its owners into devoted vampire minions.  The Devil then proceeds to drive around the Ozarks [Sinkhole county to be specific] raising a small army of the undead and disrupting the general flow of things by . . . well, we never actually see how, really.

Enter the mysterious Madame X, a government agent with ESP, who has a dream about the Devil and his motor home and decides to enlist the help of parapsychological private eye Phil Philby to stop it. The pair head off in their SUV and run immediately into trouble, like a gang of Albanian assassins and a local sheriff intent on imprisoning anyone who so much as looks at him.  Meanwhile, the Devil continues to ride around the woods in the motor home raising hordes of the undead and ruining family picnics.

Madame X gets the department of homeland security involved, orders a nuclear strike [which fails, horribly], and falls in love with Phil, who just runs around being an awful action hero.  Oh yeah, there are Russians trying to screw with things, too, not that anything ever comes of it.  Eventually Phil and X realize that they’re in over their heads and call upon a pricey medicine man, who gives them a recipe for some holy water stuff that’s sure to send the Devil back to hell.  Phil loads up a water pistol, shoots the prince of darkness, and saves the day.

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MOTOR HOME FROM HELL should have been a fun film – how can you possibly go wrong with a story about a demonic recreational vehicle raising the undead and causing general havoc in the south of Missouri?  Lots of ways, it would seem.

The DVD case promises “a wicked political satire” and “an infernal combustion engine of explosive, subversive humor”.  While infernal it may be, wicked, explosive, and subversive MOTOR HOME FROM HELL certainly isn’t.  The entire screenplay seems to have been built around a single pun – that the motor home runs on “axles of evil”.  Get it?  Axles of evil – Axis of evil?  Anyway, writer Leland Payton thought so much of this single joke that it is repeated constantly throughout the story [and twice on the DVD case alone].  It’s a bit like the “big as a battleship” comparison from THE GIANT CLAW, only utterly forced and unfunny.

About the most subversive thing MOTOR HOME ever does is dare to mock the Department of Homeland Security, the Environmental Protection Agency, and our country’s relations with Russia [which is still full of freedom-hating commies, don't ya know], and it does that rather badly.  DR. STRANGELOVE is an obvious inspiration here, so much so that it’s mentioned on the DVD cover ["Stranger than Dr. Strangelove," proclaims an anonymous audience comment], but what’s on display is never absurd or even consistently funny enough to warrant the comparison. The only moment that had me laughing aloud involves the Native American medicine man and his appraisal of the situation, which is present in its entirety in the online trailer for the film.

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What puts me off the most about the production, though, is just how uninspired the direction is.  Ross Payton’s point-and-shoot approach to photography would be fine for coverage of a family trip Six Flags, but it fails miserably as a film-making style.  There’s a cinematographer credited, but just what they added to the value of the production is lost on me [would this really have looked worse without them??].  Editing, also by Ross Payton, adds another layer of unbearability.  There’s no reason at all that MOTOR HOME should run a full hour and forty four minutes, and there are a number of utterly superfluous diversions that should have been excised entirely.  Cases in point are the beginning, in which the hillbillies hire a homeless man to steal some Sudafed, and a scene in which Phil goes to collect an old debt, but ends up trashing a guy’s CD collection and stereo instead.  Then there’s the ending, which piles on ten full minutes of post-climax tedium that never should have made it past pre-production.

I have no doubt that effort went into making this [the official site, linked below, claims two years went into shooting and editing the affair], and that it’s so disappointing is a real shame.  The DVD screener I received is reasonably produced at least, presenting MOTOR HOME in its original full-screen aspect ratio in all the quality that interlaced digital video can provide.  A trailer is the only extra.  Perhaps the most surprising revelation for me was in discovering that the release is actually a pressed DVD5, and not just a burned-on-demand DVD-R.  It can be ordered at full retail price from Amazon.com or at considerable savings from the official film website.  The official site lists a special Podcast Fan edition as well as a Mystery Grab Bag as ordering options – I must confess I have no idea how either deviate from the screener reviewed here.

I was really hoping for something original and entertaining, if not particularly well produced, in MOTOR HOME FROM HELL.  Perhaps having expectations was a mistake on my part, but that the film fails to deliver can hardly be denied.  I’ve seen worse straight-to-video entertainment [Dave Silver's CORN comes to mind], but this will do nothing to change the format’s reputation of underachievement.  Not recommended.

For more information visit the official
MOTOR HOME FROM HELL website,  Rifflepictures.com



Eegah

July 14th, 2009 | article by | 7 Comments »
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Fairway International Pictures [1962] 90′
country: United States
director: Arch Hall Sr.
cast: Arch Hall Jr., Marilyn Manning,
cast: Richard Kiel, Arch Hall Sr.
Order this film from AMAZON.COM

“Kevin, what’s the worst film you’ve ever seen?” Such is the question most asked by those close to me about film, and one I least like hearing [just behind "what's your favorite"].  As someone who sees more movies than he does blue skies or sunlight, watching what I figure is an average of six for every review that makes it to this site, singling out any feature among the veritable truckloads of awfulness that pass through my optic nerves is not something I care to spend my precious time on.  There’s content to be written, dammit, and DEVIL FETUS isn’t going to watch itself!

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Magic Lizard

July 13th, 2009 | article by | 1 Comment »
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a.k.a. King-Ka Kayasit
company: Chaiyo Productions
year: 1985
runtime: 110′
country: Thailand
director: Sompote Sands
cast: Lor Tok, Der Daksadao, See Thao
not on home video in the USA

My readers will pardon my choice of words, but it seems as though it’s been forever since I covered a genuine cinematic mind-fuck here – a real shame considering they’re just the thing this site was created to present.  Luckily for me there exists Sompote Sands, whose entire oeuvre appears to have been carefully crafted to be mind-bashingly strange.  MAGIC LIZARD, one of the last films Sands would produce before focusing his talents exclusively on the violation of Tsuburaya trademarks and copyrights, is no exception to that rule.

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A*P*E

June 27th, 2009 | article by | 1 Comment »
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a.k.a. APE / ATTACK OF THE GIANT HORNY GORILLA / HIDEOUS MUTANT
ALIVE / CMV Laservision [2008] 83′
Dual Layer DVD-9 | PAL | Region 2

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Virus – L’Inferno dei Morti Vivente

June 26th, 2009 | article by | No Comments »
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a.k.a. NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES / HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD
Beatrice Films [1980] 103′
country: Italy
director: BRUNO MATTEI
cast: MARGIT EVELYN NEWTON, FRANK GARFIELD,
cast: SELAN KARAY, JOSE GRAS

“There’s not much I can tell you at the moment, our inquiry into this subject has just started. Yesterday for instance, in the research center of the university, I was examining a cadaver which had a quadruple amputation – no arms or legs. While we were working, to our complete surprise, it opened its eyes. It was dead, but it opened its eyes and began to move…”

For you horror junkies out there the above quotation should be relatively familiar, seeing as its similarity to a quotation from one of the seminal films in horror history goes well beyond the realm of happy coincidences. The original quote, from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD [1968], goes like this:

“In the cold room at the university we had a cadaver – a cadaver from which all four limbs had been amputated. Sometime this morning it opened its eyes and began to move its trunk – it was dead, but it opened its eyes and tried to move…”

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The Last Shark

May 27th, 2009 | article by | No Comments »
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a.k.a. L’ULTIMO SQUALO / GREAT WHITE
Film Ventures [1981] 88′
country: Italy
director: ENZO G. CASTELLARI
cast: JAMES FRANCISCUS, VIC MORROW,
cast: MICHAELA PIGNATELLI, JOSHUA SINCLAIR

I find it doubtful that any single film in history has been emulated quite so routinely as Steven Spielberg’s smash success JAWS. The young Spielberg couldn’t possibly have foreseen the incalculable impact his picture would have on the film industry as a whole, that it would be the first production ever to receive a wide release and the first summer blockbuster. Its pitch perfect blend of high seas adventure and high concept horror translated to big bucks at the 1975 box office and cold feet for whole generations of beach goers. Needless to say, Universal Pictures was pleased.

But JAWS caught more than just the attention of the multitudes of film goers – exploitation producers around the world were impressed as well, and hungry for a piece of the profits. By the time JAWS 2 rolled around in 1978, the minions of the exploitation industry were already hard at work. While a few of the movies produced in its image were quite good – PIRANHA in 1978, most notably – the majority ranged anywhere from ‘so-so’ on down. Most trend riders were smart enough to change either the monster [TENTACLES], the setting, or both [JAWS OF SATAN, GRIZZLY]. Others were not so much. It’s safe to assume that the makers of THE LAST SHARK belonged squarely with the latter.

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Cannibal Terror

May 19th, 2009 | article by | No Comments »
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Eurocine [1981] 94′
country: France / Spain
director: ALAIN DERUELLE [as Allan W. Steeve]
cast: SILVIA SOLAR, GERARD LEMAIRE,
cast: PAMELA STANFORD, OLIVIER MATHOT
Order this film from AMAZON.COM

Umberto Lenzi may not have contributed much of class to the world of cinema, but he does have the fine distinction of having jump started the cannibal craze that ran from the late 70′s through the 80′s. His 1972 film THE MAN FROM DEEP RIVER may have been more of an adventurous romance than an out and out gut-muncher, but the cannibal-oriented moments are what interested audiences then and keep them watching today. Ruggero Deodato’s superior survival picture ULTIMO MONDO CANNIBALE [1977] would only solidify the market for the sub-genre, with his grittier CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST taking it to its ultimate extreme in late 1979. By the time Lenzi’s own rip-off of the sub-genre he began [1980's EATEN ALIVE] entered cinemas, the cannibal film had already fallen into a steady qualitative decline.

But with that decline in quality came a surge in quantity, and the years following 1980 saw the release of more cannibal films than the entire decade before it. Most of them were awful, and some went well beyond. Working strictly at the ‘indefensibly horrible’ end of the spectrum was French exploitation outfit Eurocine, a favorite tramping ground of Jess Franco at the time. CANNIBAL TERROR is the third in a trio of no-budget sub-genre efforts from the company, and the only one not to be directed by Franco.

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Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

May 19th, 2009 | article by | No Comments »
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rating:
company: The Asylum
year: 2009
runtime: 88′
country: United States
director: Jack Perez (as Ace Hannah)
cast: Deborah (Debbie) Gibson, Vic Chao,
Sean Lawlor, Lorenzo Lamas
Order this film from Amazon.com

There are moments when I can’t help but wonder why I do the things I do. The readership of this site is far too low for fame, fortune, or glory to be involved – some kind of depraved subconscious masochistic desire seems much more likely. Sitting through the likes of MONSTER A-GO-GO or WEASELS RIP MY FLESH makes a certain amount of sense for someone in my position since, awful as they may be, they still fit comfortably within the fringes of my bizarre taste. That I subject myself, time and again, to the output of The Asylum [the cinematic equivalent of sucking a tail pipe] is more difficult to understand.

Asylum has taken to referring the majority of its direct-to-video tumors as “mockbusters”, going so far as to recommend them as gag gifts for cinephiles. The company has carved a profitable little niche for itself by producing knock-off titles [THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED, INVASION OF THE POD PEOPLE, TRANSMORPHERS, THE DA VINCI TREASURE . . . need I go on?] that are typically sitting on video store shelves before their super-budget inspirations even hit the big screen, with SciFi Channel more than happy to premiere whatever swill Asylum sends its way. That there’s a market for lousy DTV efforts is all well and good, but does it have to be this bad?

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Gonggoi

May 13th, 2009 | article by | No Comments »
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a.k.a. THE BEAST
Right Beyond [ 2002 ] 93′
country: Thailand
director: JAROONGSAK VONGLAUENG
cast: ROONGNAPA BROOKE, PONGSAKORN SRIJUN,
cast: JINTANA AROMYEN, SARUS LAO UTAIWATTANA

An archaeologist, on a trip to find rare and valuable artifacts along the Cambodian border, comes across a small wooden idol [dropped by a terrified local] on the outskirts of a village in which all the people have been brutally murdered. A forest-dwelling priest offers him sound advice on the object – it was once the property of the evil Gonggoi [pronounced Kong Koy], and care must be taken to prevent that evil from befalling its new owner. The priest gives the archaeologist a sacred cloth to place on the head of the doll to subdue its power, which he obligingly uses. Once he returns home, the archaeologist puts the idol among the rest of his collection, sacred cloth and all.

Unfortunately, the archaeologist’s daughter Yoyo and her cadre of friends do not have the same reverence for her dad’s collection of idols. His advice on the importance of treating them with dignity and respect falls on deaf ears, and it’s only a matter of time before the Gonggoi idol is in the hands of school buddy Joe [who, of course, wastes no time in removing the all-important sacred cloth]. Soon thereafter strange noises to start emanating from around Joe’s house and his dreams fill with images of his own violent death.

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Crank: High Voltage

April 27th, 2009 | article by | No Comments »
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Lionsgate [2009] 96′
country: United States
director: NEVELDINE / TAYLOR
cast: JASON STATHAM, AMY SMART,
cast: DWIGHT YOAKAM, EFREN RAMIREZ

Picking up just moments after 2006′s CRANK left off, HIGH VOLTAGE begins with ubermensch Chev Chelios [Statham] being scraped up from the Los Angeles sidewalk by minions from the Chinese Triad and thrown into the back of a van. Three months later he’s back on the street, his heart having been removed and replaced with a creaky artificial model whose battery must be kept charged through increasingly ludicrous means, on the hunt for the Chinese mafia lord who has his ticker and a problematic thug known as The Ferret.

Other characters enter and exit at random – lover Eve [Smart], unlicensed physician Doc Miles [Yoakam], Chinese prostitute Ria [Bai Ling], and full-body Tourette sufferer Venus [Ramirez] – as Chelios bounces from action setup to action setup.

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Flight to Mars

March 19th, 2009 | article by | No Comments »
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Monogram Pictures Corporation [1951] 72′
country: United States
director: LESLEY SELANDER
cast: MARGUERITE CHAMPAN, CAMERON MITCHELL,
cast: ARTHUR FRANZ, VIRGINIA HUSTON

In 1951, the Pentagon makes a shocking announcement – preparations have been completed on a secret military-funded project to send the first manned flight to Mars. Heading the crew are Dr. Lane, Dr. Barker [Arthur Franz], and Barker’s girl of the moment Carol [Virginia Huston as a much-maligned woman scientist never referred to with a 'Dr.' before her name] – two civilians, Professor Jackson and reporter Steve [Cameron Mitchell], are along to make observations. The rocket launches without issue and, in just 7 days [!], is within sight of Mars – it’s a good thing too, as Barker and Carol’s relationship is on the verge of an ugly meltdown and Steve is itching to make a play for the only female on board.

Suddenly, disaster strikes – the ship flies into a meteor storm and gets a pummeling. While the crew are unharmed, the storm manages to knock out the landing gear, forcing pilot Barker to attempt a crash landing. Unfortunately for those of us who are already sick of the cast, he is entirely successful. The crew steps out onto the frozen surface of Mars and are greeted by the planet’s rather human inhabitants, who waste no time in showing off their fancy underground civilization and ability to speak perfect English [that old 'we've been listening to your radio broadcasts for years' explanation is already feeling tired here, a scarce two months after Klaatu was heard using it in THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL]. What’s more, they offer to help the stranded Earthlings fix their ship and send them back on their way.

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