Motivated by the uptick in straight-to-video productions originating from the United States and itching to honor their favorite horror directors with a gruesome tale of their own, a handful of Canadians with no discernible talent for production, writing, special effects, direction or performance scrounged together a budget and some Super 8mm shooting equipment and went to work.  The end result, released directly to rental VHS in 1989, was Things, 84 minutes of graphic violence and unbridled stupidity that feels more like an acid trip interrupting a drunken stupor than a film.  To say that Things is dreadful is to understate its case to a degree that borders on the criminal, and while it may not be the worst film yet produced on this Earth it certainly earns points for trying.

So.  What is Things about?  I honestly haven’t the faintest idea.  Though purported to have been written (the stilted line readings would seem to bear this out) there is absolutely no story to speak of here.  Things is, instead, a collection of continuity-defying sequences that amount to precisely nothing in the end.  For instance, the film’s only name attraction, porn star Amber Lynn in one of her few non-sex roles, is limited to a handful of abysmal newsroom scenes (photographed in 16mm on a tiny set, with Amber reading all of her lines in the most obvious manner possible) that have little, if any, connection to the rest of the material.  In this regard the title seems most appropriate – this isn’t a film about anything, it’s a film about Things.

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