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The Black Cat

March 31st, 2011 | article by | 1 Comment »
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a.k.a.: il gatto nero / Demons 6: de Profundis / Demons 6: Armageddon / Dead Eyes
Year: 1989    Runtime: 89′   Director: Luigi Cozzi
Writer: Luigi Cozzi  Cinematography: Pasquale Rachini  Music: Vince Tempera
Cast: Florence Guerin, Urbano Barberini, Caroline Munro, Brett Halsey, Luisa Maneri

Not to be confused with all those other films about black cats, which comes especially easy in this case, because the black cat isn’t important here at all.

Plot? Oh right, there was something kinda-sorta plot-like hidden away in here somewhere. Ah, there it is: Director Marc Ravenna (Urbano Barberini) is trying to re-ignite his faltering career by making a semi-sequel to Argento’s Suspiria (wouldn’t that actually be a semi-sequel toInferno at this point in time?), based on a witch named Levana from an essay in De Quincey’s Suspiria De Profundis. If you just ignore that Levana isn’t actually a witch but a goddess and wasn’t invented by De Quincey, you’ll be as surprised as I was by the realization that someone working on the script for this one might have read the book the film’s talking about (and, going by the inclusion of an actual quote from Poe, even more than just a single book; Italy sure ain’t Hollywood). You can also be sure someone had seen Suspiria, what with parts of that movie’s theme playing on the soundtrack whenever someone mentions it or De Quincey’s book.

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Diary of a Madman

March 24th, 2011 | article by | No Comments »
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Year: 1963    Runtime: 96′   Director: Reginald Le Borg
Writer: Robert E. Kent  Cinematography: Ellis W. Carter  Music: Richard LaSalle
Cast: Vincent Price, Nancy Kovack, Chris Warfield, Elaine Devry, Ian Wolfe

French poster.

France in the 19th Century. A group of mourners attends the burial of magistrate and hobby criminal psychologist Simon Cordier (Vincent Price). Cordier left the group his diary – of course containing the mandatory horrible truth – to explain some strange occurrences surrounding his last few months. Thus endeth the unnecessary framing device and the actual action (or what goes for it here) begins.

Cordier, as one of the men who had sentenced the murderer Louis Girot (Harvey Stephens) to death, is invited by Girot to visit him a few days before his execution. The murderer had always stated that he wasn’t to blame for his deeds, but was coerced to them by an invisible, evil force that controlled him. Not surprisingly, Cordier never did believe this story, and isn’t getting any less sceptical when Girot now repeats it. Alas, Girot is telling the truth, as his greenish glowing eyes when the ranting session turns violent only too clearly demonstrate.

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Primal

March 10th, 2011 | article by | 1 Comment »
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Year: 2010    Runtime: 85′   Director: Josh Reed
Writer: Josh Reed, Nigel Christensen  Cinematography: John Biggins  Music: Rob Gibson
Cast: Zoe Tuckwell-Smith, Will Traval, Krew Boylan, Lindsay Farris, Rebekah Foord, Damien Freeleagus

Warning: there will be an especially egregious spoiler for one of the movie’s “surprises” in the second to last paragraph, but there are things late in the movie too ridiculous/awesome/tasteless not to mention.

The usual bunch of young ones travels into the depth of the Australian Outback to see and photograph some twelve-thousand year old wall paintings nobody has seen since an ancestor of Anja (Zoe Tuckwell-Smith) was at the place. The paintings are supposed to pave Anja’s friend’s Dace’s (Will Traval) way to a doctorate, but, this being a horror film and all, obviously are only steps on the road to…doom.

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Hair of the Beast

March 4th, 2011 | article by | No Comments »
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a.k.a.: Le Poil De La Bête
Year: 2010    Runtime: 92′   Director: Philippe Gagnon
Writer: Pierre Daudelin, Stephane J. Bureau  Cinematography: Steve Asselin  Music: Martin Roy, Alexis Le May
Cast: Guillaume Lemay-Thivierge, Viviane Audet, Gilles Renaud, Patrice Robitaille, Antoine Bertrand

Nouvelle France, 1665. The charming, if unwashed, rogue and professional seducer of women Joseph Cote (Guillaume Lemay-Thivierge), has worked his charm on the wrong girl this time, and has been sentenced to be hanged. Using his mildly impressive wit, Joseph manages to escape from his jail cell and flees into the barely settled lands outside of Quebec. On his way, he finds the rather shredded corpse of a Jesuit priest, and decides to take what’s left of the dead man’s clothes and belongings; surely, as a priest he will have a much easier life getting around. In his new priestly persona, Joseph is soon enough attacked by something large, fast and hairy that knocks him out. He is rescued by a farmer who takes him into the small settlement he’s living in – and by “small”, I really mean small. Two large-ish huts, one church and a slightly better built house for the noble owner of these lands – who is off in Quebec right now acquiring potential brides for his sons and servants - a walk through the woods away, are all the place has to offer.

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The Playgirls and the Vampire

February 24th, 2011 | article by | No Comments »
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a.k.a.: L’ultima preda del vampiro
Year: 1960    Runtime: 83′   Director: Piero Regnoli
Writer: Piero Regnoli, Aldo Greci    Cinematography: Aldo Greci    Music: Aldo Piga
Cast: Walter Brandi, Lyla Rocco, Maria Giovannini, Alfredo Rizzo, Marisa Quattrini, Leonardo Botta

The bus carrying a group of five showgirls, their manager (Alfredo Rizzo) and their driver comes to a stop on a blocked road during a storm while traversing a nameless Central European country. The next town is far away, and the last town holds an angry hotel owner, so our heroes are only too happy when they stumble upon a castle. Having never seen a single horror film in their lives, everyone thinks it a grand idea to ask for shelter there.

At first, the place’s owner, Count Gabor Kernassy (Walter Brandi) is quite displeased by the group’s appearance, but as soon as he lays eyes on Vera (Lyla Rocco), one of the girls, his demeanour suddenly changes and he is willing to let them stay the night. But the Count has a few rules for his guests. Chiefly, he doesn’t want to see them leave their rooms at night under any circumstances, and urges them to lock their doors from the inside. Nobody seems to think this the least bit suspicious, and so not everyone does what the Count asks.

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The Saviour

February 18th, 2011 | article by | No Comments »
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Year: 1980    Runtime: 81′   Director: Ronnie Yu Yan-Tai
Writer: Alfred Cheung Kin Ting    Cinematography: Tony Hope    Music: Teddy Robin Kwan
Cast: Pai Ying, Gigi Wong Suk-Yee, Ng Man-Hun, Kent Cheng Jak-Si, Tien Feng

It would be easy to confuse Hong Kong police Inspector Tom (veteran actor Pai Ying, looking a bit bored) with your run-of-the-mill cop on the edge. His boss (Chris Dryden) at least seems to take him for one, complaining that Tom never keeps any criminal alive. But what the film shows of the cop lets him look like some sort of anti-Danny Lee, killing only in self-defence, being not too fond of torture, spending his free time taking care of an orphan boy. Given these facts, our so-called loose gun acts like the least psychopathic cop in Hong Kong cinema, though, admittedly, the way police officers in HK movies usually act, that’s not much of to say of a cop’s mental health.

Tom’s newest case is a series of murders of prostitutes. While the audience knows the identity of the killer right from the start, Tom will have to spend a few scenes not moving a facial muscle, or, as the experts call it, “investigating”. Fortunately, one of the killer’s victims escapes with her life and is willing and able to identify him. The young man doing the deeds is one Paul Kwok (Ng Man-Hung?), who isn’t quite the nice little boy he once was anymore since he witnessed his mother killing herself in front of his eyes while rambling about “sluts” and “tramps”, a catastrophe caused by his Dad’s very obvious cheating. Now, with a witness, it should be an easy case for Tom, and Paul should be facing a nice vacation in an institution.

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Berserker

February 11th, 2011 | article by | No Comments »
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Year: 2001    Runtime: 84′   Director: Paul Matthews
Writer: Paul Matthews    Cinematography: Vincent G. Cox    Music: Mark Thomas
Cast: Kari Wuhrer, Paul Johansson, Craig Sheffer, Patrick Bergin

In the mythical time known as “the credits”, Odin became somewhat dissatisfied with his Valkyrie girlfriend Brunhilda (Kari Wuhrer) and chained her to an altar surrounded by eternal flame. As you do.

Later, in ye olden times of fake facial hair, when everyone (except for Ms Wuhrer) spoke with a British accent, there was trouble among the Vikings. Hetman Thorsson (Patrick Bergin, who had rent to pay) wants to use the very special tribe of the berserkers to unite wherever we’re supposed to be under his rule. Berserkers in this film’s very special mythology are, by the way, possibly cannibalistic warlike yet highly flammable undead wearing dead bears. In a creative interpretation of Nordic lore, berserkers are created by the bite of Valkyries to serve Odin. Valkyries, vampires, same difference; they both glow and glitter, right? Nope, I’m not joking about the glowing; to my mind Berserker is now the most probable candidate for inspiring the Twilight franchise.

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Bay Rong

February 3rd, 2011 | article by | No Comments »
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a.k.a.: Clash
Year: 2009    Runtime: 98′   Director: Johnny Nguyen
Writers: Johnny Nguyen    Cinematography: Dominic Pereira    Music: Christopher Wong and various long-dead Europeans
Cast: Thanh Van Ngo, Johnny Nguyen, Lam Minh Thang, Hoang Phuc Nguyen

Trinh (Thanh Van Ngo) has been working as an assassin and girl for every opportunity under the codename “Phoenix” for a shadowy gangster-type with connections in the grey areas between espionage and crime known as Black Dragon (Hoang Phuc Nguyen) since she was a teenager. Not that she ever had much of a choice in the matter. Black Dragon ”rescued” her out of slavery as a prostitute in Cambodia and made her what she is now. Plus, he is keeping Trinh’s daughter hidden away somewhere as a very convincing argument for the woman’s loyalty.

Still, her life is getting to Trinh, and she only wants out and start a less violent existence somewhere with her daughter. Black Dragon even seems willing to grant Trinh her wish, there are just a tiny handful of missions she has to finish for him first.

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Psychout for Murder

January 28th, 2011 | article by | No Comments »
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a.k.a.: Salvare la faccia
Year: 1969    Runtime: 89′   Director: Rossano Brazzi
Writers: Rossano Brazzi, Diana Crispo, Piero Regnoli    Cinematography: Luciano Trasatti    Music: Benedetto Ghiglia
Cast: Adrienne Larussa, Rossano Brazzi, Nino Castelnuovo, Paola Pitagora, Alberto De Mendoza

Licia (Adrienne Larussa, in the same year she also appeared in Fulci’s version of Beatrice Cenci), the daughter of a successful – and consequently highly corrupt – businessman (director Rossano Brazzi) is taken out for a nice bit of couple time in a bordello by her boyfriend Mario (Nino Castelnuovo). Alas, the cops are raiding the place and a whole lot of photographers are waiting in front of the door, too. Turns out Mario himself called them in a successful attempt to steer Licia into a compromising situation to get a blackmail handle on Daddy. Personally, I wouldn’t try to do my blackmailing with photos that are already in the hands of the yellow press, but what do I know?

Daddy is paying Mario anyway. He, the rest of the family and their equally disgusting friends in business and church decide that the best way to save his face in front of the public (here’s where the film’s original title comes in) is to declare Licia to be mentally imbalanced and put her into a mental institution for a time.

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La Dinastia Dracula

January 20th, 2011 | article by | No Comments »
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Year: 1980    Runtime: 91′   Director: Alfredo B. Crevenna
Writer: Jorge Patino    Cinematography: Javier Cruz   Cast: Fabian Aranza, Silvia Manriquez, Ruben Rojo, Magda Guzman

In Ye Olden Times of cheap school play conquistador costumes, the inquisition gets rid of the rather nasty noble vampire Duke Orloff who likes to transform into a dog and disregards the cultural and churchly rules about keeping one’s shirt buttoned in public. But woe! The men of the church completely ignore the vampire’s female partner and witch lover, despite her wearing a shirt with a flame imprint that can only come from the future.

Three hundred years later, in Ye Not Quite As Olden Times of school play late 19th century costumes, witch woman goes under the name of Madame Kostoff. She seems to have been absent from Mexico for the last few hundred years, but now returns to her former home with a coffin in her luggage and a revivification plan in her mind. She’ll just need to buy the mansion that stands close to the place where her vampire lover was buried, and everything will be set. It’s just a wee bit unfortunate that the Solórzano family living in the mansion now doesn’t want to sell.

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Whistle and I’ll Come to You

January 14th, 2011 | article by | No Comments »
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Year: 2010   Runtime: 54′   Director: Andy DeEmmony
Writer: Neil Cross   Music: Norwell & Green   Cinematography: Rob Hardy
Cast: John Hurt, Gemma Jones, Lesley Sharp, Sophie Thompson

Retired astronomer James Parkin (John Hurt) has been taking care of his wife Alice (Gemma Jones), who is suffering from some form of senile dementia, for a few years now, but, because of his own age, has to put her into a nursing home.

In an attempt to distract himself from the resulting sadness, and his feeling of having already lost his wife and their love to the ravages of age while they are both still alive, Parkin goes on vacation in an old hotel somewhere on the coast. While going walking along the coastline (or “rambling”, as he prefers to call it), Parkin finds a ring with a Latin inscription translated as “Who is this who is coming?” buried in the sand. He takes the ring with him. From this moment on, Parkin is haunted by something that he might or might not have carried around with himself all along. On the beach, a fearful, shrouded shape that fills Parkin with inexplicable terror is following him; in his hotel, his sleep is disturbed by scratching noises and nightmares that soon enough turn into someone or something banging on his door. As a scientist, Parkin is sceptical of all supernatural explanations, but his fear tells him something different.

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The Enchanted

January 6th, 2011 | article by | No Comments »
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Year: 1984   Runtime: 86′   Director: Carter Lord
Writer: Carter Lord   Music: Phil Sawyer   Cinematography: Michael Levine
Cast: Julius Harris, Will Sennett, Casey Blanton

After years of rambling (okay, sailing) around the world, Royce Hagan (Will Sennett) returns to his now empty and unused paternal place (not very rural me has a hard time calling a place in the woods “a ranch” as the film does) way out in the backwoods of Florida to make a living raising cattle. Eccentric old family friend Booker T (Julius Harris) welcomes Royce back with open arms. Booker also warns his friend to get too close to the Perdrys, a family that one day just turned up and claimed an empty house as their own, and are now doing day work for anyone around who’d care to have them. According to Booker, they are friendly enough folk, but something the sage of the backwoods isn’t allowing himself to go into isn’t quite right with them.

As it goes in stories where these sorts of unhelpful warnings are uttered, Royce soon enough gets close to the Perdrys when they help him bring his farm in order, and falls in love with Twyla (Casey Blanton), one of the family’s daughters. Twyla returns his feelings with a vengeance, and soon moves in with Royce. But Booker was right – something really isn’t quite normal (whatever that means) about Twyla and her family. It’s nothing too egregious, really. Twyla just can’t cope with the more bloody parts of country life too well, and she has an unhealthy fear of cats, even when they come in the form of an adorable little kitten.

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The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec

December 17th, 2010 | article by | No Comments »
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Year: 2010   Runtime: 107′   Director: Luc Besson
Writer: Luc Besson   Music: Eric Serra   Cinematography: Thierry Arbogast
Cast: Louise Bourgoin, Jacky Nercessian, Mathieu Amalric,
Gilles Lelouche, Philippe Nahon, Jean-Paul Rouve

Journalist and adventurer Adele Blanc-Sec (Louise Bourgoin) is adventuring in Egypt. The young woman is attempting to steal the mummy of Patmosis, the personal physician of Ramses II. Adele’s not in it for money or fame, though. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Adele is trying to acquire Patmosis so that her friend, the elderly – and nutty – professor Esperandieu (Jacky Nercessian) can revive the dead guy with his enormous mind powers. The newly alive Patmosis, or so Adele hopes, will then use the superior medical knowledge of the ancient Egyptians to cure her sister, who has been lying in a waking coma ever since a very unfortunate tennis/hatpin accident (for which Adele feels guilty) five years ago. Acquiring the mummy needs all of Adele’s (also quite enormous) powers of sarcasm and adventuring, but evading a nasty French government agent and gaining possession of the dead doctor is only the beginning of what the young writer will have to do to save her sister.

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Garo

December 10th, 2010 | article by | No Comments »
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Year: 2005 – 2006   Runtime: 25′ (25 ep.)   Directors: Keia Amemiya, Makoto Yokoyama, Kengo Kaji
Writer: Yuji Kobayashi   Music: Shinji Kinoshita, Koichi Ota
Cast: Hiroki Konishi, Mika Hijii, Ray Fujita, Masaki Kyomoto

A secret war is raging (at least in Japan). Creatures from the Underworld known as Horrors regularly creep through the cracks between dimensions to possess humans whose darkest impulses accommodate the character of the respective horror and use them to commit various atrocities. Fortunately, humankind is protected by the Makai Knights, warriors of mystical bloodlines who are able to use a magical metal known as soul metal. When need be, a Makai Knight can conjure up full body armour made from the material, but (because that’s how it goes in tokusatsu shows) they can’t stand being clad in the magical armour for long.

Garo follows the attempts of the perma-scowling Golden Knight Kouga Saezima aka Golden Fang aka Garo (Hiroki Konishi, now called Ryosei Konishi to confuse everyone as much as possible) to keep his territory (which might be the Eastern half of Japan or of Tokyo) safe from the Horrors.

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Harpoon: Whale Watching Massacre

December 3rd, 2010 | article by | 2 Comments »
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Year: 2009   Runtime: 84′   Director: Júlíus Kemp
Writer: Sjón Sigurdsson   Cinematography: Jean-Noël Mustonen
Music: Hilmar Örn Hilmarsson   Cast: Pihla Viitala, Nae, Terence Anderson,
Miranda Hennessy, Aymen Hamdouchi

Iceland. A very international group of future murder victims (oops, spoiler) goes on a whale watching tour. All seems well – though some of the tourists are a bit annoying - but in truth the more unpleasant parts of the trip are already starting with the only sailor on board beside the ship’s captain (Gunnar “Leatherface” Hansen) raping one of the female tourists in his cabin. Things don’t exactly improve when a freak accident with a poky stick and a flying drunk Frenchman lethally wounds the captain. Seeing the mess, sailor Rape jumps into the emergency boat and flees, leaving the tourists to their fate.

It seems like a fortunate occurrence when a boat with a friendly enough acting rescuer on board appears only a little bit later. The tourists are getting somewhat nervous when their helper doesn’t ferry them into the next harbour, but instead transports them to a rusty old whaling ship, where they meet his son and wife. It doesn’t take five minutes until the charming family members show their true face and gorily dispatch of tourist number one. People living on a ship need to eat too, it seems, and what could be more tasty than other people when you’re not allowed to slaughter whales anymore?

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